Jokes

[JoY]

Sorry..... but can we keep the smutty jokes for a different forum?

Don't want to appear prudish or girlie, but I don't think this is the place for them.

If any of you don't know which jokes I'm talking about, it's because I have deleted them!! ;D

[keenasmustard]

was it the one about the pope ;D if not then i have missed it

[JoY]

No...... that one was relatively ok!

[phugly]

couldnt you have waited til we all read them ;D ;D ;D

[greenpesto]

I think perhaps you have over reacted Joy!!!!!

We can all swear on here or be personal or take a 'dig' against H/O staff etc, but can't make mild 'saucy' comments!!!! ...... I've read far worse on here!!

We are all grown ups!!! ... well as much as any bloke CAN 'grow up!'

There is a thing called 'freedom of speech' .... but alas perhaps some have MORE freedom than others!!!!

If you were offended however, ... then I apologise!!!!

____________________________________________

Reply by Joy....aka moderator!!! See jokes section... Motters instructions are "keep them clean"

Just doing my job.. ;D

[keenasmustard]

can they not be put on when she who must be obeyed is asleep or when her backs turned

[hereticus]

Hopefully Joy won't object to these - in fact perhaps she can add a few more from her own experience :


13 DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

1. NAMES:

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.


2. EATING OUT:

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a 20, even though it's only for 32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want the change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


3. MONEY:

A man will pay £ 2 for a £ 1 item he needs

A woman will pay £ 1 for a £ 2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


4. BATHROOMS:

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.


5. ARGUMENTS:

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


6. CATS:

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


7. FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


8. SUCCESS:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


9. MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.


10. DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, to water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and read the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


11. NATURAL:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


12. OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


13. FINAL THOUGHT:

Any married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[greenpesto]

What do you call a person with only one brain cell?









An FSM! ;D



What do you call a person with two brain cells?





A gifted FSM!







What do you call a person who claims to have more than two brain cells?





An FSM thats a 'lying son of a b1tch!!!!'

[mendipmagpie]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
envelope propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad". With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

It's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be
very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will
pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.
She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
mm

[greenpesto]

A man walks along a beach & stubs his toe on something solid in the sand.
He picks it up & sees he has an old lamp.
He rubs it to remove the dirt & out pops a Genie.

The Genie grants him three wishes.

The man makes his three wishes & in a flash finds himself in a massive mansion. It is lined with gold & silver & gems.

He walks across the great hall to see that the floor is not carpeted but is deep in paper money.

He goes into a bedroom & he sees 30 of the most beautiful women all naked & waiting for him.

He spends the night in total bliss having had all the women.

Later he hears a knock at the door. He goes to answer it & standing there are two large men in KluKlux Klan robes & hoods.
They grab hold of him, drag him outside, put a noose around his neck & string him up from the nearest tree until he dies.

As the two large men walk away one removes his hood & we see it is the Genie.

The Genie turns to his friend & says ...

...."I can understand him wanting a big house. loads of money & all those beautiful women ..... but what I don't get is ....

..... why on earth would he want to be 'Hung like a Black man!!' " ;D ;D ;D




Will Joy censor me for this?

[*Star*man*]

Any second now......




__________________________________________

Well...... someone has to keep you all in check!

Joy ;D


Too True !!!

[greenpesto]

Nursery rhyme:

Old MacDonald is dyslexic ... E.T.P S.K!!!! ( or for Bears benefit ..... I.O.I.O.E!!! )

....and..... all join in ......

[Bear]

greenpesto said:

Nursery rhyme:

Old MacDonald is dyslexic ... E.T.P S.K!!!!

....and..... all join in ......

WRONG!!!

Old MacDonald is dyslexic I.O.I.O.E.....